Self-discipline...

I'm slowly adjusting to the radical lifestyle change that I've taken on with this new job.

Disclaimer: I'm not sure, actually, if adjusting is a good word. I may actually be more coping reactively to the complete lack of grounding I feel right now, but doing a reasonably good job of it so it doesn't look like I'm as lost and confused as I actually feel.

What is becoming abundantly clear to me, however, is how externally "referenced" and motivated I am. I've sort of known this about myself for a while - one of the big therapy topics a couple of years ago was around me being able to see myself as separate from my "roles" as a worker, a volunteer, a parent, etc. (It's actually where the title of this blog originated - I made a compelling realization how much of my life was spent running after other people thinking I was okay and spending huge amounts of time and energy doing things that I thought would make me valuable in the eyes of others.)

I'm moving into a different level with this issue now. I've thrown traditional means of measuring my "okayness" professionally to the wind and I've taken on this job that is basically in a different field with a different skill set and a completely different means of measuring success. Not having those familiar benchmarks for assessing "how I'm doing" has thrown me into a tailspin of self-doubt, guilt, and insecurity. And it's been a long time since I felt this inept. I'm not dealing with it so well.

I'm apathetic, unmotivated, and whiny. I'm avoiding. I'm becoming overly focused on things I have no control over to avoid confronting that I don't know how to impact what I DO have control over.

The good news is that I can see this happening. I know it's there. It's not like in the past, where this free-floating ickiness would get projected onto someone else because I couldn't see that it was my own crap I needed to clean up.

The bad news is that I'm not sure what the solution is for me. I'm going to grow through this, I've learned to have faith in this, and to let myself be in the yucky place as long as it takes to learn how to manage the situations that are bringing this issue to the forefront. But I feel like I need to DO something, and I don't know what that something might be. Resisting the urge to act, regardless of the fact that I don't know what course of action makes sense, is the challenge for me.

What has worked in the past in other situations is to take my time, focus on self-care and nurturing, and let the answers become clear. I just need to figure out how to turn off the nagging negative critical voice in my head that's telling me that I need to hurry up and get with the program.

Time...like money....there's never enough.

I can remember my dad always saying that no amount of money would ever be "enough" for most people....that no matter how much they had, they'd just increase their wanting proportionally....

And I now think that the same thing is true about time...specifically for me to be with my kids. I wanted, craved, coveted more time with them. Now that I have far more than I did in my old job life, I still want more. It still doesn't feel like enough. They are growing up and away from me so quickly.

I'm so insatiable. But if you look at them, can you blame me?

Filling in the spaces....

For the last 14 years, I've been primarily and almost obsessively focused on my work. I felt compelled to climb the public ed. food chain...and I was doing a pretty good job of making my way up the ladder, until this spring.

Between changes in leadership, my training to become a facilitator, and the realization that these kids are growing up way too fast, I started feeling really restless and unhappy with my work situation. I felt like I'd given an awful lot - too much - and had almost nothing to show for it.

I started fantasizing this spring about leaving my administrative position....going back to the classroom....fewer hours, less stress, actually working with the kids again, and having more time for my own kids. I couldn't get the finances to work out, though. I resigned myself to just hanging in there for one more year...doing a building principal internship, finishing up my curriculum and instruction license....and I committed to finding another job next spring.

I used to be really good at change. I loved an adventure and had no qualms about jumping off with both feet. Then I made a string of bad choices in my 20s and early 30s, and I started to fear my own judgement. I think this is what was making me reluctant to look for another job. I was afraid that I'd do more of the same, I guess.

And then this job came to me out of the blue, and it was so perfect, so ideal, that there was no room to be afraid or second guess myself.

The problem I'm having now is that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep thinking this really is too good to be true, that I can work from home and have balance in my life and not be a stressed out crazy mom most of the time. My friends all say that I deserve this, I put in so much for so long and this is the reward. But how do I accept that perspective when I don't believe I'm worthy of it?

I'm really having to adjust to this whole new way of living. It's so different than anything I've ever experienced before - and I'm facing all new challenges. Right now the one that is kicking me in the teeth is procrastination and avoidance - fear of failure.

So even though this sounds kind of gloomy and morose, I'm really happy. I'm excited about what I'm going to learn about myself through this new way of working and living. I'm just having trouble moving without a map through the new terrain, and I'm going to have to learn to trust myself again.