They've been home 22 hours....

And already it is very evident to me that the research about siblings is accurate:

The Science of Siblings

Laurie Kramer, professor of applied family studies at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, has found that, on average, sibs between 3 and 7 years old engage in some kind of conflict 3.5 times an hour. Kids in the 2-to-4 age group top out at 6.3--or more than one clash every 10 minutes, according to a Canadian study. "Getting along with a sister or brother," Kramer says dryly, "can be a frustrating experience."

I feel so much better knowing that my kids are statistically above average. I'd say they are fighting an average of 10 instances per hour since returning from vacation. And right about now, I'd like to send them back to from where they returned.

Is it bedtime yet?

Any minute now....

The boys will be back from their week-long trip with their dad. Just as it's hard for me to adjust to them being gone, it's likewise kind of tough to get back into Mom Mode when they are returning. Part of that might be the realization that the hedonism that I enjoyed this week is over for 6 days. Nothing like going from 0 (parenting responsibility) to 24/7 in the blink of an eye.

I filled my time off nicely, I think. I had lots of lunches and dinners out, drank a ton of beer and strawberry margaritas, and managed to engage in a little bit of single girl debauchery. I also went into work for two and a half days (virtuous of me, don'tcha think?), watched two movies I'd been dying to see, spent lots of time on iTunes, and did no laundry or housecleaning for an entire week. I got my hair cut and colored and lost another three pounds.

What do you do when you set your inner kidless person free? Whatever works for you, I hope you get a chance to do some of it very soon!

This is why dating in small towns is not a good idea...

I have been seeing the same counselor since my first marriage ended in 2003....religiously, just about every week. It has been a tremendous help to me in just having someone to bounce things off of, especially since I don't have IRL friends in the same situation (divorced, working, etc.) , or a spouse waiting at home to listen to me sort through the day while we make dinner or fall asleep at night. She's really been helpful to me in talking through situations and figuring out how I want to handle them...and one of the things we've talked about at length is my crappy track record in relationships and my attempts to do better for myself in current trials.

The fact that I go to a counselor has come up several times with Crash (non-dating friend guy) over the past year and a half, but in passing, never in specifics. Today I happened to mention the counselor by name when we were driving, his bells went off, and after connecting the dots, it turns out that it's the same counselor that he and his ex went to when he wanted to end their marriage, and he continued to see her for a while after they stopped going as a couple. This would have been three years ago or so, probably about the time I started seeing her, and certainly a considerable time before I met him.

I took a break from the relationship with Crash for about 5 months this spring, and when I decided to start seeing him again, I was kind of shy about telling her that I was going to give it another shot...I thought she'd think I was taking a step backwards or something, but she was really supportive and I remember at the time feeling very validated, but somehow surprised that she was so encouraging. Now I'm wondering if she'd made the connection - the cynical part of me that looks for the worst is having a field day.

I have a really hard time opening up and talking about what's going on in my life, and I feel somehow now like my one safe place isn't so safe. It's not like he's still seeing her too, but it just feels way too vulnerable to talk about what's going on with him with her now. I feel duped, even though I know that's completely ridiculous and irrational. She's doing her job, she's not a matchmaker, and maybe it's even a GOOD thing if she can draw on what she knows about both of us to help me decide what the hell I'm doing. But it still feels icky. Is there NOWHERE to go to be anonymous anymore? (And yes, I get the irony that I'm posting about this on the internet.)

The buck stopped here in December...

Last December, the reality of my precarious financial situation started to hit home, and I decided to get really serious about debt reduction. Dave Ramsey's book Your Total Money Makeover was probably the biggest motivator, even though I'd heard some of the concepts before in my start and stop attempts to get my money under control. I had already been living on a budget for three years, and I'd learned a little bit about how to create a fund for "periodic expenses" so that my cash flow was smoother. The big thing I needed to tackle was my consumer spending...debt.

I didn't develop a good relationship with money as a kid. My dad had plenty of it and was miserly, which has definitely relaxed as he's gotten older, and my mom went back and forth from plenty to paucity and spent a lot either way, and she's facing the fate of the grasshopper now. I am having to learn as I go and while it's hard right now, I'm just about 18 months from financial freedom and I will finally be able to hang up the baggage I carry about being "finanically irresponsible", which is what both my dad and my first husband consider to be the biggest character flaw a person can have.

I am tired of not being able to afford the things I need NOW because I'm paying off what I wanted months ago, plus interest. I decided to grow up and stop waiting for money to fall out of the sky and solve the problem myself. For the first 6 months of this year, we lived like paupers. I've since relaxed a little, because I know I've ingrained better decision making habits, and I'm not in danger of going off into compulsive consumer spending again. We still have a very strict budget, but I did up the amount of money I allot for "slush"...fun stuff like a movie once a month and candy at the ball field, etc., because while getting out of debt is really important to me and for my family, I also only get one shot at enjoying my kids' childhood with them, too.

I cut up all my credit cards on New Year's Day. I am paying off my debt using the snowball method, but I'm not following the Dave approach of working on the smallest debts first anymore...I did knock out a few small ones early on that way, but now I'm working on the highest interest debt first. I joined the No Credit Needed Network this month...check out this site if you want some inspiration and accountability!

I got my 7 and 8 year old sons on board by showing them our budget on the computer and explaining that if we made good choices for the next 2 years, we would go to Disney for Christmas in 2008. This has proven to be an effective incentive for them. Often when they start "wanting", I remind them that the choices we make today affect Disney in December, and that's all it takes to stop the whining and begging. They understand that there's only so much money to go around and that my job is to be sure that the big things are taken care of before the fun stuff can be considered. That's a heck of a lot more than I knew at 23!

My immediate goal is to get out of consumer debt. I'm just under $23K from that goal. I have a short term goal of selling my current house and being able to use some equity from the sale of my home to pay off a chunk of the debt. Once I've accomplished those two goals, the next steps are to begin putting my children's child support into savings for college and to build an emergency fund of 3-6 months income.

The hardest part of this journey is that it's so long! It's hard to maintain the focus day after day, and having like-minded travelers down this road really helps.

It's time to build an ark.

Last night was the five-club regional swimming tournament. Since Son One was leaving early this morning, he was only able to swim in one event...#20 of 38 scheduled for last night. It was 85 degrees with about 85% humidity when we arrived for warm ups at 3:30. By 6pm, there was a thunderstorm and we were all in our cars for a half hour, then waited another 20 mins. for the all clear to restart the meet. At 6 pm, they'd only run 6 events.

And another storm was on the way....it seemed to be moving slowly, and for a while it looked like it might hold off until after event #20 (which was all I really cared about... and I know all you fellow swim parents know exactly what I mean, and I'd be right there with ya if it was your kid). But at 8:10, as the 8 and under girls hit the deck for event #19, lightning was spotted and the meet was called for the evening, with event #19 scheduled for 8:45am today.

Son One was crushed. He worked his little rear end off at practice this week....his starts were gorgeous, his breathing measured, and his strokes smooth. I know I sound like a swim mom, but I really was so excited FOR him. And disappointed WITH him. (Not IN him. I could not be less disappointed IN that child.)

(I will also add due to my residual bitterness that they only managed to run 18 freaking races in three rain-free hours...and people complain that my school district is inefficient, but I digress....)

Son One got in the car and left for vacation with his dad at 6:50am.

Not only am I missing the boys already, but I'm really ticked off that their dad couldn't wait two hours to leave for their weeklong vacation so that Son One could swim in the tournament. He was seeded 9th out of 48 in his event....and this is his first season swimming competitively.

I know there's always next summer. But I'll be damned if that man is scheduling a vacation next summer that starts before July 23rd. Hmph!

At any rate, it rained like hell last night. There was literally a sheet of water running down my back door off of the roof. All my flower beds had become swimming pools for ants. And there's more expected today, with a high of 86 degrees and 80+% humidity. I'm working at the meet mid-morning for a few hours, and I imagine I'll be a soggy sweaty smelly mess when I'm done.

On a brighter note, it turns out that my "friend" Crash and I will both be kid free for the next four days. When we realized this last night on the phone, he said, "Hey, we should celebrate!" I asked him what he had in mind, but it was apparent that there's still nothing more than friendship in that male brain of his. Now, I can't say for sure that I really want to go diving headlong into a "relationship" with him either, but it definitely doesn't help the ego when there's not even some casual JOKING about taking advantage of four kid-free days (or nights!). Double hmph!

Oh well, I can see a frozen strawberry margarita in my future. Or maybe two. Possibly three...I'm going to get pretty dehydrated today out in that heat and humidity, you know. That's celebration enough, I suppose....cheers!

Shifting into a lower gear....

Today is the last day of the whirlwind of summer sports here. Baseball ended for us with two rainouts earlier this week. Tonight, Son One is going to swim the 25 free in the local 5 club tournament. Here he is on the blocks for this event last Saturday. I'd like to say that he's probably visualizing his perfect race, but he's probably just wondering the best way to get me to give him money for candy after the race is over.....


He would have been swimming two or three more events tomorrow too, but both smallish bears are leaving for vacation with their dad in the morning. Not only is he missing swimming in the tournament, but the boys will be gone for the baseball tournament that starts next Monday. No matter how many times I suggest that their dad plan the vacation for the END of July, this happens every year.....

So we have to pack this afternoon. A week's worth of clothes, because their dad doesn't have his own clothes for them. I will be doing that laundry when they get back as well, I'm sure. Now, moms among us, let's put this in perspective. I'm the one packing the clothes for two kids for the trip. I'll be the one doing the laundry when they return. You'd think their dad could make it to the swim meet tonight, but he said he's going to be getting ready for the trip.

I am on the verge of eight days of no parenting responsibilities. I realize that this is a dream for mothers everywhere, and I believe every mom deserves a week off at least once a year, but I don't advocate divorce as the way to get there. It's actually overrated when you end up with too much time off-duty...I actually start missing the whining and bickering and being pecked to death after the third hedonistic day of chinese food, wine, and watching Grey's Anatomy and Sex and the City on dvd. Without laundry/carpool/cooking/supervising piano practicing/work to punctuate the silence, it gets pretty lonely pretty fast!

So I'm going to remind myself of that fact today when I hear "MOOOOOMMMMMMM" for the 95th time and when I'm picking up the wet towels and swimsuits off the floor after swim team practice and when I'm throwing away half the lunch I just made when they complained that they were starving and when I'm mediating another stand-off and.....

It's been a while....

I've been reading other blogs, but not spending much time on my own. It's summertime...my big 30 days off of work before returning again in August...and I've been enjoying being *mostly* off of the hamster wheel. Mostly I've been feeling that icky feeling that my school year life is NOT what I really want for my family.

So the boys have been busy busy with baseball (both of them) and swim team (Son One...Son Two unceremoniously QUIT swim team after his one event in his fourth meet). They go to spend time with their dad on Sundays through Tuesdays, which gives me way more alone time than I really need. I'm lonely when I'm not crazed with work pressure and stress. The boys leave for eight days with their dad on Saturday and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself for over a week.

Which leads to the central and critical issue I'm facing right now...immobilization. I truly believe in the principal of inertia in my life....a body at rest stays at rest and all that stuff. As long as I keep going, the lonliness and dissatisfaction I feel is pushed back. But as soon as I get more than two consecutive days of peace and relative non-activity, I become an unapologetic sloth.

Things I need to do before returning to work on August 7th:

1. Clean out my disgusting basement.
2. Clean out the dangerously overstuffed closets in the boys' bedrooms.
3. Have a garage sale to unload all the stuff that was previously living in the aforementioned basement and closets.
4. Touch up paint in the living room, the bathroom, and Son One's bedroom (yeah, the ice dam was 18 months ago...why do any sooner what you can put off as long as possible).
5. Overhaul the family room, including new carpet, stripping the 70's era grasscloth wallpaper on the bottom half of the walls and painting the 70's era paneling on the top half of the walls.
6. Drink lots of frozen strawberry margaritas to commemorate the very short summer I'm having this year.

And while I'm at it...food for thought from Grey's Anatomy on Sunday night...

MEREDITH: [narrating] "Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."