Support as a single mom....

I'm tired. Stressed. Overworked. Anxious. Life feels like a race I could never win in a million years. I have been going into my counselor's (T) office and crying more than I should. I know what I need to do, I'm just somehow unable to pull myself together and do it. Outwardly, I know I seem like I've got it all together, but I'm so miserable...so discouraged and overwhelmed.

And this week, T. told me that it's not possible to do it all when you are doing it all by yourself, that it's not even all that possible to do it with a spouse. So why, she asked, do I think I should be able to do it all, and why do I feel like such a failure?

I feel like being able to handle everything is a requirement sprung from all my bad choices in the past...bad marriages, poor financial management, impatient parenting, etc....and that if I'm ever to be worthy or good enough again, it's going to come from being able to shoulder the expectations of a married mom who doesn't work as a single mom who does. My life is wildly out of balance, and it seems that I can't let go of anything to bring it into better equilibrium, so therefore, I need to keep adding more to even it all out.

T. suggested that I really need to find a support family....people I can count on, lean on, and ask for help. This suggestion, from my perspective, is akin to admitting that I am a horrible person who has made hideous choices and now should lean on others to bail me out of my wretched existance. I feel like asking for help from other people reveals the fact that I can't handle my own life, as if people didn't know that already based on my inability to keep a husband and the less than idyllic house I keep and the sometimes rambunctious behavior of my children....

The balancing act I have going works as long as there are no surprises or curve balls. I have a feeling one is coming my way, and it's not going to be pretty. Tomorrow, the boys start at their new school, and I really want to drive them there and be there for them the first day. My older son, especially, has trouble with transitions. On Tuesday, I have a high profile professional development program starting at 8am. And there's a freezing rain advisory through tomorrow at 7am. What does all this mean? Well, if we have a snow day tomorrow, then the boys' first day will be Tuesday, when I can't take them to school, because I'll be at the high school stressing about getting everything ready for the first day of the training. It's abnormal for a school employee to not want a snow day, but I'm there today. I know I have no control over any of this, but it's the kind of stuff that makes me completely crazy....

I decluttered my butt off this weekend....

I spent about 12 hours at work this weekend, cleaning up loose ends, sorting through the piles of paper and files on my desk(s), and organizing my materials for one of my projects that has a bunch of deadlines hitting in the next two weeks.

I spent 5.5 hours cleaning out the mountains of Happy Meal toys and related debris from both boys' bedrooms today, weeded closets and dressers, organized all the stuff for their uniforms that they will start wearing next Monday.

I took 8 bags of trash out. I have four tubs of clothes to go to charity and the resale shop.

I should feel like a weight has been lifted off of me, shouldn't I? But I'm just so damn tired....hopefully when I hit the office tomorrow, the work I did this weekend will feel like it's paying off....

Crash stopped over to bring chili that he made this weekend for the boys and I. We had a beer and watched Colbert and realized it will be February 9th before we have a kid free weekend again. He had asked me to go to Sarasota with him this coming weekend....he has a trade show...at the Ritz-Carlton....and I want to go SO badly, but it's the worst possible weekend....big district leadership meeting on Friday that I would miss, and the kids start at their new school on Monday, and I have a training session starting on Tuesday. And now, not only will I NOT get to have vacation sex with him and drink lots of margaritas and walk on the beach, but it will be a month before we get to have any real time together at all. Bleh. Dating as a divorced parent really sucks sometimes. I'm glad he and I have the same priorities about it...at least he's not making me feel guilty for not going.

How can it be January already????

The last time I posted was in November??? Things are still pretty much the same, with a few exciting twists.

Still with Crash. It's like a real relationship now, except that he still calls me a friend and doesn't ever show any hint of affection in public. It will be two years in March since we first met. That's impossible to believe.

Kids are still insanely busy. Basketball started last week. They are moving to a new school next Monday...leaving the public district I work for and going to a private parochial school. I'm sure there will be more to tell, but suffice it to say for now that this is a good move, I think.

The holidays were very nice. It was different this year. The boys are getting older and it's not so hard to create a relaxing time for the whole family. We spent several days at my dad and stepmom's, and her kids and grandkids were all there, which was mostly fun.

I want an Alice, you know, like on the Brady Bunch. I don't really want a husband...I like getting away from Crash when he starts getting on my nerves....but I'm so darn tired of being so darn tired and never having anyone to share the load with.

Things are work are really stressful. The school district I work for is on the verge of huge cuts, we got a new superintendent after Christmas, and it looks like I'm going to have a very different type of job next year. I submitted my application for the facilitator training for the professional development model I've been involved in bringing into our district, and if I'm accepted, I'll go for a week of training in March. I don't like up in the air and it feels like everything is floating work-wise. And I just keep thinking...what if I lose my job altogether??? I can't move....the boys' dad is here and he's not able to relocate, and I'm not even sure I'm strong enough to pull off a move to another city anyway. If I lose my admin gig, we are going to be looking at some extremely lean times at the Home of the Hamster Wheel.

I spent more time by myself this "no-kid" weekend than I have in a long time. Crash had his kids, since he went out to the Fiasco Bowl last weekend to watch OSU get their asses kicked. We went out with friends on Friday night and stayed together, then met up at the grocery this morning and did our shopping together. It's the weirdest little ritual, but I love it...we shop together and then go for coffee and bagels across the street. It's like baby steps toward really shopping together....

Boys are off school tomorrow. We need to do some major purging and organizing in their bedrooms and closets and dressers, and we need to buy a boatload of school supplies required by their new school. I'm going to get drained for the school supplies...January isn't exactly sale season for that sort of thing.