Thank you, Shonda....

I'm glad Merideth and her mom got to "cross over" and that Ellis was able to say what she hadn't said before...and that Christina got to bring Merideth back when she hadn't been able to save her dad...clearly the only other "person" Christina had ever had....

Very cool episode. But didn't Addison look totally adrift at the end when she was watching Derek with Merideth?

Had a personal training session today with a guy who seemed half my age. I'm getting old. He was very nice, but you could tell that the two guys on duty when I showed up were trying to pawn me off on each other. It's a good thing I don't take myself too seriously or I would have had my feelings hurt. At any rate, I'm all good to go on the weight machines, and the boys swam without incident for 45 mins while I worked out, so I guess this removes one more of my excuses, doesn't it?

Squirrel on the treadmill....

Instead of the hamster wheel....

I had my annual appointment in early February and my blood pressure and cholesterol were quite good, leading me to realize how lucky I really am to apparently have genes that are decent, and that at 36 I probably should be investing some time and effort in preventative activities to KEEP those numbers looking good. So I had the reverse of the "wake up" call type of appointment that most people have...as usual, I beat myself up for fraudulently having healthy lab results...how dare I deserve that when I never exercise and the people at my local McDs drive through know me by name????

Then I had a terrible, really bad, horrific day on Thursday that included a team member screaming at me in front of the other four supervisors on our team and one of our secretaries. She was so personally attacking and angry at me that all I could do was stand there shell-shocked because I couldn't figure out what it was that she thinks I did or said that made her so angry (for the record, it wasn't anything I had any involvement in, but she didn't take the time to check facts before going off on me...) At any rate, the experience led me to realize that the very best thing I can do right now with all the craziness on the work front is take care of myself emotionally and physically, and that stress is well-controlled for me when I have physical activity, and that the only thing anyone can really count on is themselves and their own character, and that maybe focusing on self-improvement while everyone around me is freaking losing their minds would be a good coping mechanism.

And the scary "7 weeks until Spring Break" epiphany probably had a little to do with my change in perspective too...

I've started trying to get in shape and eat better over and over and it never sticks. But this time, I'm going to make it happen. I went to the gym on Friday and again today, and I have an appointment with a trainer on Thursday to get started with the circuit machines. The hardest part for me is the food thing....I eat so badly and totally use carbs as comfort, and with everything that's been going on lately with work and all the transitions, I find myself falling back on frosted sugar cookies from the coffee shop I frequent WAY too often. I did eat like complete crap this weekend, but I think I'm going to adopt the 5 days on, 2 days off model so that on the weekends, I can go with the flow without feeling guilty.

I did the whole weigh and measure myself thing, so in a month hopefully there will be less of me to post about. For starters, though, I'm pretty proud of the fact that I managed 45 mins of cardio today and burned 460 calories!

Meredith cannot be dead.

She just can't. It's not even that I like her that much, and she and Derek make me want to puke because she so doesn't deserve someone like him, but I just can't imagine the show without her character.

And it really sucks that it's a whole week until we find out if she's dead dead or just visiting the other side with Denny and Pink Mist.

What I really want....

- to lose 30 pounds
- tickets to the Police reunion tour
- a house that doesn't seem to be falling apart around me
- more motivation and energy
- a day of the week nobody knows about but me
- more patience with my kids
- fewer "fine lines" around my eyes
- a tan that doesn't increase my risk of skin cancer and doesn't turn me orange and streaky
- a substitute who can fill in while my cleaning goddess is recovering from cancer treatment

I'm sure there are a few other things, but right now, I'd take a random sampling from that list and be a happy woman. Maybe throw a little chocolate or a big frozen strawberry margarita in for good measure....

Oh, and in the category of things that make you wonder...all of a sudden, Crash had to leave tonight for a meeting tomorrow morning one state over, after making plans for us to get together tonight. He said he thought the meeting might be cancelled because of the really superb weather we've been having, so he hadn't mentioned it. The fact that I know that he has a history of being unfaithful is a fact I wish I didn't know, because it really gets my paranoid stupidity going sometimes. shrug

Who am I kidding, anyway? We are Just Friends Who Have Sex, and that's all he wants us to be, so there's no Rules and he could be sleeping with anyone he wanted to sleep with anytime he wanted to, right? dripping sarcasm

Something tells me that I'm getting a little too bitter to keep this friendship going. sigh

The dust settled....

Things have been better the last couple of weeks. Busy, crazy, but better. I don't feel like I might crumble if the wind blows too hard.

I'm finding renewed interest in work after several months of wondering why I felt so unmotivated and flat about what I was doing, feeling stuck in the job and in this town. Our new superintendent is on board and he has focus and vision for our district, and I'm hopeful that I'm going to get an opportunity to do some new and different things over the next few months. I've been getting to work more directly with the teachers I supervise and spending less time in the preparations for the massive cuts that are just around the corner this spring.

In the last month, the boys have started at the parochial school in town and I've gone back to school one night a week to finish up my assistant superintendent's license. The boys are busy with basketball and studying and playing their Nintendo DS games. We've had three "wind chill" days. I've done two Schools Attuned training sessions here, and I'm getting ready to go for my facilitator training next month. Just trying to keep up with all the details of our collective lives and the house is enough to fill my days right now.

I'm busy busy busy...and oddly, I don't want to see Crash these days....

He's been gone a lot the last month...traveled every no-kid weekend since New Years, and he's missing sex, I think, but I don't switch gears easily, and him wanting to come over in the evening for some necking on the couch or turning every text message exchange into something suggestive is really turning me off. What worked for me was the "every other weekend and once in a while during the week" thing. Him wanting to get together several nights a week is not working. I can't tell if it's just that I'm disconnected and overwhelmed or if it's that I'm cooling off on this friendship-with-sex after nearly two years. I just don't feel it for him right now, and the more I am cool, the more persistant he gets. Men.

8 weeks until we leave for Spring Break. I really should try to lose 20 pounds before then, perhaps. I'll add that to my list.