I'm mad.

I'm just unhappy, grumpy, and bordering on bitter.

I'm withdrawing because I can't stand to infect other people with my moroseness.

I don't understand how (or why) all the effort I've made in so many facets of my life can be so worthless. I'm becoming expendable at work, and the sense of anxiety and disequilibrium that comes with realizing that they could decide I'm the next cost-saving elimination despite the real contributions I'm making is heightening the usually nearly subconscious awareness that I'm just the filler for D. until something better comes along. My mom lost her job in the first round of cuts in the district, and she's probably moving 2.5 hours away because there's no work here, and I have no idea how I'm going to do this single parent thing without a grandparent around. She worked and was busy with her own life, but I knew that if worst came to worst, there was someone 10 mins away who could come and rescue me.

I feel so utterly and completely alone. I have no one to count on. And I don't want to accept that I'm all I have, because that doesn't feel very comforting at all right now. I don't have much faith in me right about now.

I can't say any of this to anyone in real life. I wish I could say it felt better having been able to say it here, but I'm not sure it's working.

Back on mom duty. Have to go to the grocery and figure out something for dinner, then put everyone through the evening rituals of homework and piano practice before I collapse tonight.