Filling in the spaces....

For the last 14 years, I've been primarily and almost obsessively focused on my work. I felt compelled to climb the public ed. food chain...and I was doing a pretty good job of making my way up the ladder, until this spring.

Between changes in leadership, my training to become a facilitator, and the realization that these kids are growing up way too fast, I started feeling really restless and unhappy with my work situation. I felt like I'd given an awful lot - too much - and had almost nothing to show for it.

I started fantasizing this spring about leaving my administrative position....going back to the classroom....fewer hours, less stress, actually working with the kids again, and having more time for my own kids. I couldn't get the finances to work out, though. I resigned myself to just hanging in there for one more year...doing a building principal internship, finishing up my curriculum and instruction license....and I committed to finding another job next spring.

I used to be really good at change. I loved an adventure and had no qualms about jumping off with both feet. Then I made a string of bad choices in my 20s and early 30s, and I started to fear my own judgement. I think this is what was making me reluctant to look for another job. I was afraid that I'd do more of the same, I guess.

And then this job came to me out of the blue, and it was so perfect, so ideal, that there was no room to be afraid or second guess myself.

The problem I'm having now is that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep thinking this really is too good to be true, that I can work from home and have balance in my life and not be a stressed out crazy mom most of the time. My friends all say that I deserve this, I put in so much for so long and this is the reward. But how do I accept that perspective when I don't believe I'm worthy of it?

I'm really having to adjust to this whole new way of living. It's so different than anything I've ever experienced before - and I'm facing all new challenges. Right now the one that is kicking me in the teeth is procrastination and avoidance - fear of failure.

So even though this sounds kind of gloomy and morose, I'm really happy. I'm excited about what I'm going to learn about myself through this new way of working and living. I'm just having trouble moving without a map through the new terrain, and I'm going to have to learn to trust myself again.