Time...like money....there's never enough.

I can remember my dad always saying that no amount of money would ever be "enough" for most people....that no matter how much they had, they'd just increase their wanting proportionally....

And I now think that the same thing is true about time...specifically for me to be with my kids. I wanted, craved, coveted more time with them. Now that I have far more than I did in my old job life, I still want more. It still doesn't feel like enough. They are growing up and away from me so quickly.

I'm so insatiable. But if you look at them, can you blame me?

Filling in the spaces....

For the last 14 years, I've been primarily and almost obsessively focused on my work. I felt compelled to climb the public ed. food chain...and I was doing a pretty good job of making my way up the ladder, until this spring.

Between changes in leadership, my training to become a facilitator, and the realization that these kids are growing up way too fast, I started feeling really restless and unhappy with my work situation. I felt like I'd given an awful lot - too much - and had almost nothing to show for it.

I started fantasizing this spring about leaving my administrative position....going back to the classroom....fewer hours, less stress, actually working with the kids again, and having more time for my own kids. I couldn't get the finances to work out, though. I resigned myself to just hanging in there for one more year...doing a building principal internship, finishing up my curriculum and instruction license....and I committed to finding another job next spring.

I used to be really good at change. I loved an adventure and had no qualms about jumping off with both feet. Then I made a string of bad choices in my 20s and early 30s, and I started to fear my own judgement. I think this is what was making me reluctant to look for another job. I was afraid that I'd do more of the same, I guess.

And then this job came to me out of the blue, and it was so perfect, so ideal, that there was no room to be afraid or second guess myself.

The problem I'm having now is that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep thinking this really is too good to be true, that I can work from home and have balance in my life and not be a stressed out crazy mom most of the time. My friends all say that I deserve this, I put in so much for so long and this is the reward. But how do I accept that perspective when I don't believe I'm worthy of it?

I'm really having to adjust to this whole new way of living. It's so different than anything I've ever experienced before - and I'm facing all new challenges. Right now the one that is kicking me in the teeth is procrastination and avoidance - fear of failure.

So even though this sounds kind of gloomy and morose, I'm really happy. I'm excited about what I'm going to learn about myself through this new way of working and living. I'm just having trouble moving without a map through the new terrain, and I'm going to have to learn to trust myself again.

Heap big changes....

After months of being completely miserable at work, I have a new job! And it's a really great one...I'm working full time for the not-for-profit that I was working for as a consultant, from home. I feel like I've died and gone to heaven...life is so much more balanced and manageable when I'm not running around like a madwoman trying to keep all the plates spinning. My children may realize that in fact their middle name is NOT "Hurry!". I may actually get caught up on laundry. I may actually cook more than once a week. I may have time to enjoy life, instead of trying to keep up with it!

Boys are doing well. We are busy with sports...swimming and soccer, and piano too. I never could have done as much with/for them as I'm able to do now that I'm working from home. It just wasn't possible on our old schedule. School is definitely requiring more work at home these days for both of them.

One of the best things about working from home is that I'm able to get regular workouts in. So far, I've exercised 9 out of 11 days since I started the new job. I'm building up my endurance for running, and I'm doing a strength training class a couple of times a week. I can't believe how much better I feel now that I'm able to get some regular exercise under my belt. I need to work on eating less...because that's going to keep me from losing weight....but overall I'm eating better since I've been home. Far less fast food, for sure.

So I'm thinking I might be able to make a more regular go of blogging now that I'm living this new life....we'll see how it goes!